I plan to come back and write very soon. Sometimes the best times I can relax and write freely is late at night in which I'm usually always tired or somehow still being distracted. I really can't wait to get my thoughts all organized and write again. I have thought of so many things I want to say lately but sleep keeps getting the best of me.
I've also realized I have to be in the right mood. Which, these days, is harder for me to get to. Because this blog is going to be personal and I want to write about my social anxiety and triggers to it, I have to be in some angry/upset mind frame. A place where all my thoughts of the past come rushing to the front of my brain to where I am almost overwhelmed in thoughts. Sometimes to the point of crying. That is when I can write the best. Being a sensitive person, it doesn't take much to get to those points sometimes!
Other times if I just turn on some slower music I can get to my points too. But I have realized I really can't express myself for this blog when I'm super happy. Since getting my permanent full time job, I have been a lot happier because I'm not stressing and fretting about saving and running out of money. However, there is still plenty that gets on my nerves.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Permanence 5:13 PM
It has been a long, struggling road to get to where I am. At the end of May 2013, I began working at an accounting office temporarily that I was told would last until at least October while they worked with switching over to a new program. Going in knowing zilch about accounting, this was going to be interesting. Of course I was ridiculously nervous. I surprised myself and many others with how quickly I caught on to everything. It was fun and I got the hang of everything I was given to do each month.
Just when I was getting into the groove of things, I was invited to move downstairs to help with their stuff. By doing this, I would get to stay through at least February or March. Well, obviously I wasn't going to say no, plus I got a bigger desk.
I was taught the basics of entering purchase orders and invoices. That was all pretty easy; the only complications being what accounts to put everything to. There's lots I have to ask about since I have not been there as many years as the others and don't know what's going on at what property. Between that and filing (which is never-ending massive amounts of bills), I kept pretty busy, but once I started getting comfortable and working faster, I was running out of work to do. Then I was given a few things I used to do upstairs here and there. But those don't last long either. Before long, I was being shown how to do utility bills. Which of course, come with a ton of new stuff to learn.
Sometimes I sit there and listen to the other ladies talk about this and that and I think to myself, "will I ever learn all of this??" I mean, there is so much that goes on. It's not as easy as I thought of entering the order, the invoice and cutting the check!
Well, in the time all of this learning was going on with me, behind the scenes there was constant chatter of "will I stay or be gone in a couple months?" Most people wanted me to stay, but it wasn't completely up to them. It was brought up to one of the bosses awhile back and he said we'd refigure the staffing situation in March. I never knew if I should get my hopes up or not. Finally the other week, it was brought up to one of the head guys. The lady that wanted to keep me, had to come up with a reasoning behind it. I was really nervous when I heard that it was officially discussed. I put everything into thinking I might not get to stay and be really upset about going back to square one.
Finally yesterday, this head guy was in town and had this awkward exchange with him as I was going to lunch. He asked if anyone had talked to me about becoming permanent. I said that no one has talked to me yet. He then said that I would be and she would sit down and tell me. I found that kind of funny for some reason because it was so awkward and he said it in front of a handful of people. So, at the end of the day, I was pulled into an office and told the good news that I would be a permanent member. I was finally relieved and she mentioned that I've been doing a really good job.
I don't know why, but that took a ton of stress and worry off my chest. Being temporary, I never felt like I belonged or had any official work. I was just there "helping" people. The only thing I somehow had was a name to my phone. I mean, my email was even generic and I hated emailing people because they probably wondered who this random accounts-payables person is! Same with calling them because they didn't know who I was! So I feel much better about that now. I'm a person within the company now!
After I met privately with the lady, she announced it to everyone downstairs and they all clapped and congratulated me. It made me really happy and I had this smile stuck to my face the rest of the time I was there.
I know now that I will eventually be shown how to do more and more until I can eventually do the whole process of a property myself - from entering the order, the invoice, the utilities, getting billing questions answered, writing the checks and mailing them off. It's a lot to do, but I'm excited to learn. It will be a long learning process. Luckily I love to learn!! Definitely will be a long road until I'm completely comfortable doing everything.
Just when I was getting into the groove of things, I was invited to move downstairs to help with their stuff. By doing this, I would get to stay through at least February or March. Well, obviously I wasn't going to say no, plus I got a bigger desk.
I was taught the basics of entering purchase orders and invoices. That was all pretty easy; the only complications being what accounts to put everything to. There's lots I have to ask about since I have not been there as many years as the others and don't know what's going on at what property. Between that and filing (which is never-ending massive amounts of bills), I kept pretty busy, but once I started getting comfortable and working faster, I was running out of work to do. Then I was given a few things I used to do upstairs here and there. But those don't last long either. Before long, I was being shown how to do utility bills. Which of course, come with a ton of new stuff to learn.
Sometimes I sit there and listen to the other ladies talk about this and that and I think to myself, "will I ever learn all of this??" I mean, there is so much that goes on. It's not as easy as I thought of entering the order, the invoice and cutting the check!
Well, in the time all of this learning was going on with me, behind the scenes there was constant chatter of "will I stay or be gone in a couple months?" Most people wanted me to stay, but it wasn't completely up to them. It was brought up to one of the bosses awhile back and he said we'd refigure the staffing situation in March. I never knew if I should get my hopes up or not. Finally the other week, it was brought up to one of the head guys. The lady that wanted to keep me, had to come up with a reasoning behind it. I was really nervous when I heard that it was officially discussed. I put everything into thinking I might not get to stay and be really upset about going back to square one.
Finally yesterday, this head guy was in town and had this awkward exchange with him as I was going to lunch. He asked if anyone had talked to me about becoming permanent. I said that no one has talked to me yet. He then said that I would be and she would sit down and tell me. I found that kind of funny for some reason because it was so awkward and he said it in front of a handful of people. So, at the end of the day, I was pulled into an office and told the good news that I would be a permanent member. I was finally relieved and she mentioned that I've been doing a really good job.
I don't know why, but that took a ton of stress and worry off my chest. Being temporary, I never felt like I belonged or had any official work. I was just there "helping" people. The only thing I somehow had was a name to my phone. I mean, my email was even generic and I hated emailing people because they probably wondered who this random accounts-payables person is! Same with calling them because they didn't know who I was! So I feel much better about that now. I'm a person within the company now!
After I met privately with the lady, she announced it to everyone downstairs and they all clapped and congratulated me. It made me really happy and I had this smile stuck to my face the rest of the time I was there.
I know now that I will eventually be shown how to do more and more until I can eventually do the whole process of a property myself - from entering the order, the invoice, the utilities, getting billing questions answered, writing the checks and mailing them off. It's a lot to do, but I'm excited to learn. It will be a long learning process. Luckily I love to learn!! Definitely will be a long road until I'm completely comfortable doing everything.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Telephone 9:43 PM
Today at work, I did one of the scariest things: made a phone call. I wrote in one of my working life posts about my horrible fear of phones. You would think that face-to-face is worse, but phones are just awkward.
Yesterday all the properties sent over their purchase orders in which it has been made my job to get them all entered. With each property, they send over a log that divides each one out to whatever category it belongs and you check it off when entered. I was handed them and told one of them was missing the log and would have to call them or something. All I had to do was hear the word "call" to send me into instant panic and anxiety. What do I say, how do I ask for it, who do I even talk to??? Or worse, what if I mess up my words and sound like the biggest idiot? It was a simple request: can you fax over your PO log?
So much to worry about. My days weren't going to be enjoyable until I get this over with. My mom had mentioned to just send them an email. Of course that's the easy thing to do, and probably more practical for numerous questions. Besides, I don't have a name to my email since I'm temp, so they might think it's junk or "who the heck is this person?" Email was not going to happen, even though I did type it up, but never sent it.
Next option was to chicken out and ask the lady who deals with this property about it and hope maybe she would make the call. Obviously I can't have everyone make calls for me, although they understand and know the people much better than I do. I don't want to look like someone avoiding the phones.
Last option was to make the call myself. I put their PO's on the bottom of my stack so I could think while I worked on all the other properties and then take action when I got closer to it. Well, I was happy to make it through Monday without having to call anyone. Maybe a miracle would happen the next day and the PO log would be on my desk.
That didn't happen. I knew I was going to have to call at some point. I was so nervous. I didn't want anyone to hear me make this call in case I screwed up and sounded stupid and got some lecture about talking on the phone or something. To my luck, everyone was gone at the same time for lunch and it was just me. It was getting to the point when people would start coming back so I needed to take action soon. I was so nervous. I sat for 5 minutes planning out what to say.
Then this other lady came over from the back room to make copies. Crap. I can't call with her standing right by my desk. She was not hurrying with those copies either! Finally she left and it was do or die for me! I scrolled to the property in the phone and stared at it for a second, took a deep breath, and picked up the phone. It was ringing. Last chance to hurry and organize my words.
I didn't even know the name of who I was supposed to talk to. So whoever answered, I said my little line. Apparently it wasn't the right person, but that's okay. I was put on hold and hoping it would hurry before everyone returned. Last chance to organize my thoughts! I managed to get my request out to the manager with only a slight odd moment. Next thing you know, I had the fax of the PO log I needed! My hands were shaking so much for about 5 minutes after that call and my face felt like it was on fire. But I felt so good about it even though it was scary!
Sometimes, getting that first call at your job out of the way helps for future ones. It was a basic call, but I think I did alright. The more I do, the more comfortable and better I will get at it to where I won't mind it at all. Sometimes I just get this feeling since I'm the "quiet person" that making a call would draw attention like "omg, she's going to talk to people!" I think that's most of what makes me so nervous and never wanting to speak...the thought of everyone else's thoughts about my speaking. Like a baby saying it's first words.
Yesterday all the properties sent over their purchase orders in which it has been made my job to get them all entered. With each property, they send over a log that divides each one out to whatever category it belongs and you check it off when entered. I was handed them and told one of them was missing the log and would have to call them or something. All I had to do was hear the word "call" to send me into instant panic and anxiety. What do I say, how do I ask for it, who do I even talk to??? Or worse, what if I mess up my words and sound like the biggest idiot? It was a simple request: can you fax over your PO log?
So much to worry about. My days weren't going to be enjoyable until I get this over with. My mom had mentioned to just send them an email. Of course that's the easy thing to do, and probably more practical for numerous questions. Besides, I don't have a name to my email since I'm temp, so they might think it's junk or "who the heck is this person?" Email was not going to happen, even though I did type it up, but never sent it.
Next option was to chicken out and ask the lady who deals with this property about it and hope maybe she would make the call. Obviously I can't have everyone make calls for me, although they understand and know the people much better than I do. I don't want to look like someone avoiding the phones.
Last option was to make the call myself. I put their PO's on the bottom of my stack so I could think while I worked on all the other properties and then take action when I got closer to it. Well, I was happy to make it through Monday without having to call anyone. Maybe a miracle would happen the next day and the PO log would be on my desk.
That didn't happen. I knew I was going to have to call at some point. I was so nervous. I didn't want anyone to hear me make this call in case I screwed up and sounded stupid and got some lecture about talking on the phone or something. To my luck, everyone was gone at the same time for lunch and it was just me. It was getting to the point when people would start coming back so I needed to take action soon. I was so nervous. I sat for 5 minutes planning out what to say.
Then this other lady came over from the back room to make copies. Crap. I can't call with her standing right by my desk. She was not hurrying with those copies either! Finally she left and it was do or die for me! I scrolled to the property in the phone and stared at it for a second, took a deep breath, and picked up the phone. It was ringing. Last chance to hurry and organize my words.
I didn't even know the name of who I was supposed to talk to. So whoever answered, I said my little line. Apparently it wasn't the right person, but that's okay. I was put on hold and hoping it would hurry before everyone returned. Last chance to organize my thoughts! I managed to get my request out to the manager with only a slight odd moment. Next thing you know, I had the fax of the PO log I needed! My hands were shaking so much for about 5 minutes after that call and my face felt like it was on fire. But I felt so good about it even though it was scary!
Sometimes, getting that first call at your job out of the way helps for future ones. It was a basic call, but I think I did alright. The more I do, the more comfortable and better I will get at it to where I won't mind it at all. Sometimes I just get this feeling since I'm the "quiet person" that making a call would draw attention like "omg, she's going to talk to people!" I think that's most of what makes me so nervous and never wanting to speak...the thought of everyone else's thoughts about my speaking. Like a baby saying it's first words.
Monday, November 18, 2013
The Working Life - Part 6 continued 6:53 PM
(continued from here)
I started the next day downstairs drowning in nerves. I knew everyone was nice down there but I had no clue what I was doing. I had to start all over with learning. Just when I was getting comfortable upstairs. I worked with the other temp for a week and a half. She was an older lady, but very nice and helpful. In my time with her I learned how to enter purchase orders, match up invoices with them and enter invoices as well. That was all pretty simple. I was also shown where to file everything at and open and sort mail.
I thought, if this is all I have to do, this is easy! The first week by myself was very nerve racking. I felt like the week of training I got, was all I was going to get. I really had no clue what to do. I was so nervous to ask what to do, because I wanted to know what I was doing on my own instead of the constant "What do you want me to do now?" I want to know the pattern of things and what needs to be done by what day of the months.
I started the next day downstairs drowning in nerves. I knew everyone was nice down there but I had no clue what I was doing. I had to start all over with learning. Just when I was getting comfortable upstairs. I worked with the other temp for a week and a half. She was an older lady, but very nice and helpful. In my time with her I learned how to enter purchase orders, match up invoices with them and enter invoices as well. That was all pretty simple. I was also shown where to file everything at and open and sort mail.
I thought, if this is all I have to do, this is easy! The first week by myself was very nerve racking. I felt like the week of training I got, was all I was going to get. I really had no clue what to do. I was so nervous to ask what to do, because I wanted to know what I was doing on my own instead of the constant "What do you want me to do now?" I want to know the pattern of things and what needs to be done by what day of the months.
The Working Life - Part 6 6:52 PM
My mom had told me they were looking for a temp at her work. I was like "ooo me me me!!" I knew everyone there from meeting my mom up there all the time. I was told it was just data entry type of stuff. However, she then said they were looking for someone with a business degree. There it goes, I'm screwed. I will never have the right degree for anything even though I can do the job. Or at least learn quickly. How hard can entering data be that you need a business degree??
My name was mentioned at it was just up in the air on needing a temp at the time. I think at some point they agreed on letting me come in and work as a temp and I'd talk to the boss the following week. My mom suggested I wear my suit (to this very casual office in an apartment), while this other girl said I could wear whatever. Weird thing happened, and before that week approached, my mom called and said to come in to work ASAP because they wanted me right now. Wow, what a way to hurry out of bed! I was excited, but then very nervous.
My name was mentioned at it was just up in the air on needing a temp at the time. I think at some point they agreed on letting me come in and work as a temp and I'd talk to the boss the following week. My mom suggested I wear my suit (to this very casual office in an apartment), while this other girl said I could wear whatever. Weird thing happened, and before that week approached, my mom called and said to come in to work ASAP because they wanted me right now. Wow, what a way to hurry out of bed! I was excited, but then very nervous.
Monday, October 21, 2013
The Working Life - Part 5 4:01 PM
Shortly after I gave up on the temp agency, we had a family game night with some extended family. One of the ladies mentioned that her husband could help me with my resume and applying to some jobs. My social anxiety is so bad, that I can't ever get words out to speak to these people. This was my chance and I was getting yelled at if I didn't call him up.
There's that scary "call" word again. Of course I paced around before I made that call too but after I did we scheduled a time to meet up at his house. I dreaded this more than anything because I would have to talk and I was scared because he has barely ever heard me speak before. What if I make a complete idiot out of myself??
There's that scary "call" word again. Of course I paced around before I made that call too but after I did we scheduled a time to meet up at his house. I dreaded this more than anything because I would have to talk and I was scared because he has barely ever heard me speak before. What if I make a complete idiot out of myself??
The Working Life - Part 4 continued 3:34 PM
(continued from here)
They told me about a job opportunity that would be temp-to hire possibly. Sweet! She said it would be doing follow up phone calls. I didn't have a lot of information about the job, but that didn't sound too hard. I agreed to it and she said there would be a phone interview. Immediately I began to panic. I couldn't back out now. I had the option of doing the interview that afternoon or the next day. Well I certainly wasn't mentally able to do it that afternoon. I had to do some research and prepare questions and answers. She told me some that they might ask which helped a great deal.
They told me about a job opportunity that would be temp-to hire possibly. Sweet! She said it would be doing follow up phone calls. I didn't have a lot of information about the job, but that didn't sound too hard. I agreed to it and she said there would be a phone interview. Immediately I began to panic. I couldn't back out now. I had the option of doing the interview that afternoon or the next day. Well I certainly wasn't mentally able to do it that afternoon. I had to do some research and prepare questions and answers. She told me some that they might ask which helped a great deal.
The Working Life - Part 4 3:32 PM
After that job was over, I was back to square one: job searching. I hate square one. I mentioned in part one how much I hate job hunting. And it's not the job hunting that is awful (okay, well part of it), but the thought of the interview I might get.
I didn't go into many details then on how I felt on the thought of an interview. Being the anxious person I was, I didn't gain many conversational skills. I freeze up being asked questions from people I don't know and tend to give out one word or simple sentence answers. It was short and sweet and I was done talking to the person. Interviews can't be like that. The thought of them just nearly paralyze me and everything on the inside feels like it's forming in knots and I start forgetting to breathe and I find myself constantly taking big gasps of air. This is just the thought of them!
I didn't go into many details then on how I felt on the thought of an interview. Being the anxious person I was, I didn't gain many conversational skills. I freeze up being asked questions from people I don't know and tend to give out one word or simple sentence answers. It was short and sweet and I was done talking to the person. Interviews can't be like that. The thought of them just nearly paralyze me and everything on the inside feels like it's forming in knots and I start forgetting to breathe and I find myself constantly taking big gasps of air. This is just the thought of them!
Thursday, October 10, 2013
The Working Life - Part 3 4:52 PM
After returning home from Texas, I wasted no time heading to the place I was supposed to get transferred to. I talked to one of the managers there about it and handed in my application. I think this was sometime near the end of July.
Well I never heard anything back until the end of September. I was completely surprised as I had nearly forgotten all about it. I called them back and set up an interview time. It was nice that this one didn't take place in the middle of the store. The manager seemed extremely nice! We mainly just talked about the differences between their store and the one in Texas. It was pretty funny and I knew this would be good.
Well I never heard anything back until the end of September. I was completely surprised as I had nearly forgotten all about it. I called them back and set up an interview time. It was nice that this one didn't take place in the middle of the store. The manager seemed extremely nice! We mainly just talked about the differences between their store and the one in Texas. It was pretty funny and I knew this would be good.
Wednesday, October 09, 2013
The Working Life - Part 2 continued 4:51 PM
(continued from here)
Halfway through my time working here things just got worse for me. I typically got around 20-30 hours a week and a lot of days were 6-8 hours. After some time I was only getting around 10-20 working a couple days a week. I know at one point they were cutting lots of shifts and I'd get calls about not having to come into work. Found out other people got that too, so I was cool. There were also these stupid "on-call" shifts where you had to call in to see if you had to work. I really hated those. I was always very nervous about calling in. They usually used me 50% of the time. Depended on how busy they were a lot of times.
I don't remember when, but one day the manager pulled me aside to a couch somewhere in the store to talk with me. This is when things came crashing down. Her first statement was, "Have you noticed your hours lately?" By this, she was asking if I've noticed that I have less hours than everyone. I knew exactly where this conversation was going and I knew it wasn't going to be good. Well, of course I've noticed. I was getting 8-12 hours or something a week by this point. She always asked how I was doing and I said fine. I was handling my main duties just as well as anyone else except being more quiet.
Halfway through my time working here things just got worse for me. I typically got around 20-30 hours a week and a lot of days were 6-8 hours. After some time I was only getting around 10-20 working a couple days a week. I know at one point they were cutting lots of shifts and I'd get calls about not having to come into work. Found out other people got that too, so I was cool. There were also these stupid "on-call" shifts where you had to call in to see if you had to work. I really hated those. I was always very nervous about calling in. They usually used me 50% of the time. Depended on how busy they were a lot of times.
I don't remember when, but one day the manager pulled me aside to a couch somewhere in the store to talk with me. This is when things came crashing down. Her first statement was, "Have you noticed your hours lately?" By this, she was asking if I've noticed that I have less hours than everyone. I knew exactly where this conversation was going and I knew it wasn't going to be good. Well, of course I've noticed. I was getting 8-12 hours or something a week by this point. She always asked how I was doing and I said fine. I was handling my main duties just as well as anyone else except being more quiet.
The Working Life - Part 2 4:01 PM
After the Census job, I was still terrified of finding a job. I needed money for loans badly. I had no experience with much of anything except some slight knowledge of web design. I wasn't great at it, but I could put some basic pages together to advertise a small business or something. It wasn't something I was trying to find a job in by any means because I didn't feel good enough.
So, I spent the summer of 2011 designing a web site and logo for a friend of my cousin. I didn't mind it and it freshened up some of my lost CSS and HTML skills but I knew I didn't want a career in this. She did pay me for the work, but overall I had a jobless summer.
So, I spent the summer of 2011 designing a web site and logo for a friend of my cousin. I didn't mind it and it freshened up some of my lost CSS and HTML skills but I knew I didn't want a career in this. She did pay me for the work, but overall I had a jobless summer.